dissidiacalamitasinfinitafandomcom-20200215-history
Story:Nobody's Safety Guaranteed/Intermission 7
In the vastness of my solitude, I see a child’s mind fall like a droplet of gold. It is almost enough to rouse me from my lassitude. Another child, I think weakly. Another cry for help. Another small, caged mind, to fade into my own. I hate myself for it, but I cannot help but crawl closer towards it; to be alone is unbearable. Whatever Deng has given me has blocked me off entirely. I have heard nothing since the whisper that I want to believe was Kai. So how did this one make it through? I reach out to touch the child, and the world is there. Deserts, ocean, cities, a crumbling metropolis overtaken by jungle, the white of the Laboratories a speck against the vastness of a globe of blue, green and gold. Not only clearer than I have ever seen it, but now I know what it all means. Gardens, pools, paths, schools, roads, libraries, zoos. Understanding blossoms in my mind. An explosion of meaning, all stemming from this wonderful, impossible, beautiful mind. The child knows the names of all things. Parents, children, families, grandparents, people who are not scientists, children who are free. There are children who are free. There is so much more to the world than I ever could have guessed. An expanse that cannot be contained by walls. To see it, to reach out, to touch it. I want to touch it all. I touch the child, and I know the world through a thousand minds. I touch the child, and I know they are all here. In a flood they rush back, all the children, their whispers caressing and filling me. They were always here, I realise. Deng cannot erase them. They are part of me now and they love me. I touch the child, and I know me. She shows me what I did not remember. What I did not want to remember. I am lying on the bed again, and now I know it is called an operating table, and I know that the things around my limbs are restraints, and the thing that Deng is operating is a machine with a needle and syringe and it is made for evil. Sleep is no barrier to my new eyes. I know that the needle pierced my flesh and made its way into my spine. I even know the name of the liquid that she drew up from it, cerebrospinal fluid, and how she turned that into a medicine and injected it into the children so that she could control them. Not me. Never me. Always her. The children are whispering to me. They knew before I did. They always knew. The voice that belongs to Kai drifts to the forefront and utters the same words again, No one who loves you should hurt you. But all of them know that. All of them remember what it was like, how their scientists pretended to be carers, how they could profess care in the shape of sharp words and sharper steel, how they made us worthless even in our own eyes. How no amount of false love can feel right; something is always missing, even if we have no name for it, and there is no love when we are tools instead of children. The child touches me, and I know her. She is sinking into despair, and her despair is the same as mine. It is the despair of betrayal. It is the weeping of all of us who were helpless against the ones who called themselves carers. I listen to the story she tells in her cry. Of seeing and never being. Of someone who loves her as a parent does, but cannot say it. Of a sister taken away from her because the two of them were becoming something that no one could explain, only comprehend enough to fear. Of stupid argument after stupid argument that she could not stop, until that last day, when he turned his back on her for good. And when they came for her, he was not there. She is crying out a name. David, she sobs, over and over. David. We fall sobbing into each other’s arms, our bitterness joining and mingling to become relief. Every thought she has is twinned almost simultaneously with one of my own. The immensity of the world- :-full of pain- ::''-and yet so wonderful- :::''-but for the darkness that hides in everyone in it- ::::''-why do people hurt everyone they know? :::We have to get there. There’s a world waiting for us- ::-we can’t. They won’t let us- :But everything is so beautiful… Despite what she says, the world is unfolding before us; she cannot help but share the vistas in her mind. They have been locked away for too long. I touch her, and she trembles, and the visions flow through us. We are falling though the sun-drenched sky together. We are running across desert plains. We are lying on the grass looking up at storm clouds vengeful with purple. The images unravel, disperse into fragments. And there, in the very heart of her, I see it. The sea. An endless expanse of ocean under the night sky, stars above and stars below. The vastness of it stretches out before us and I know we could soar forever above it. ''This is us! I exclaim. Exhilaration and joy fill me; I want to whoop. I want to jump with joy. I take her hands in mine, spinning us around in the air, pretending I can dance with the stars. This is you! You’re beautiful, Evie. Yes, that’s her name. A burst of affection and marvelment rushes through me. I can feel my joy beginning to intertwine with hers, drifting across the borders between ourselves, but still she holds back. What are you? Evie asks. I don’t understand. How can I see so many of you, but also just one? Don’t be afraid. Everyone here will welcome you. They’re the children of the Labs, I explain. That’s who you’re seeing. They’re like us. Like me, anyway, Evie mutters. But she does not shrink away. What do you mean? As gradually as I can, so as not to spook her, I begin to lower the borders between us. I need to know what she means. We’re all children. What are you doing to me? Despite my best efforts, her voice fills with panic and suspicion. She begins to writhe, snapping the delicate connections that have sprouted between us. Let me go! I don’t want this. I don’t belong to you! I feel crushed, but I do not let her see it. As gentle as a mother, I take the broken tendrils and attach each one again, trying to calm her with each touch. It is understandable that she is scared of being hurt. Better to be mine than one of the scientists, surely? I say, soothing her. All he does is hurt you. I will protect you. I will love you and never hurt you. The children within me whisper their agreement. My children, and they beam in the radiance of my shelter. They know I will do anything for them. Become one of my children. But even as I say it, I realise that it is more than that. Evie sees so clearly. I feel my heart gladden with that realisation. I cannot wait to see how much will she teach me when we are linked. She has taught me so much already in our short encounter: A truth about the world: no single parent could hope to raise a thousand children. A truth about myself: I am more than just me. The truth: This is all of us, We say. Come join us. And We do not let her refuse our embrace. |}